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School for Adults – The Cow

By Johan Dalsgaard

The following educational piece of information was originally performed as a radio-sketch by famous Faroese actor, comedian, and politician Johan Dalsgaard. It was one of several in the “School for Adults” series, which expounded upon various topics of general interest to the greater awareness of all. Now for the very first time, it has been maladapted into the English language (sort of) by moron, slacker, and the generally poly-incompetent Heini Reinert. How this will bode for the future of bovine studies is as of yet entirely uncertain. Quite possibly the world will shrug it off as insignificant and continue in its usual humdrum state until it is wiped out by enraged cows.

Image in courtesy of A Tribe Called Möw’s genius. (His blog can be found here.)

Welcome to School for Adults. Today we will be discussing a topic, of which most people in the suburban area have never seen nor heard. We have gathered a great deal of information about this intriguing topic, which we will be discussing. And the topic is; The Cow.

The Cow is a domestic animal and it is usually housebroken. So is the snail, but only if you step on it. The Cow has a large house that cannot be stepped on as easily called The Barn, and in The Barn The Cow thrives and nourishes. Sometimes, though, The Cow also fancies being outside. The Cow has one Tail and four legs – one in each corner – the tail is called a bo-vine and the legs are called bo-sticks. Most people have probably experienced these bo-sticks in their local cinema while watching those marvellously educational Kung-Fu films, which we have all grown so fond of because of their accurate depiction of how all Asians behave.

The Cow has six sides; The Foresight, The Backside, The Dark Side, and The Pharcyde, and the two sides Right and Wrong, respectively. The Tail – as we have heard of before – is located at The Backside. The Cow utilizes The Tail for the greater good to brush aside flies so these will not end up in the milk. On The Foresight you will find The Head, so that The Horns have something to be attached to. Under The Cow is The Milk. If this is turned on the milk will faucet out in abundance. However, we are currently unable to explain how this is constructed. Milkshake, which many people most likely have heard of, is obtained by shaking The Cow and if you should happen to shake it, tip it, and then stomp on it with your friends you will all be greatly rewarded with butter. If The Cow has a stomach-ache, you will receive cheese. Most people have probably tried what it’s like to cut cheese. Should The Cow be refused water, powdered milk – or dry milk – which mostly all are familiar with, is the result.

Many varieties of Cows are known throughout the world. Russia, for instance, has red Cows. The Cow lives on eating; it has four stomachs. The Cow has a well-developed sense of smell, it can be smelled far, far away. The Cow’s kid is called Cowboy (m/f) and the father of Cowboy is called Bull and so is the husband of The Cow. The Bull does not produce milk and is therefore not a mammal.

A person whose job it is to catch The Cow is called Cowcatcher and a person phobic of Cows is called Coward. Or possibly not called at all. Except by those telemarketers. They are such a pest. Yes, The Cow can indeed be a lovely addition to your interior design despite ignorant critics warning you to “don’t have a Cow!”

This concludes today’s lesson in School for Adults. If this should have aroused in you a further interest in The Cow, a book has become available now. A picture book with two-hundred and fifty-four turnable pages about Carl the Cow. It can be yours today for a mere dollars one score and nine and ninety-five cents, but if you order four books you will receive a fifth book free of charge and without this costing you anything in addition. Thank you for today.

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